What Doesn't Kill You . . .

10 Things I Learned In the Past Few Days

2009-05-18T21:39:00.004-04:00

Women must hate themselves and hate their feet more, because shoe shopping is just . . . I don't know, masochistic. Seriously - who wears these shoes??? I don't know any hookers, but there is no WAY most of these shoes can be worn while working at any other profession.
The only way Stupid and I can speak is when we don't realize who we are talking to. We almost ran into each other (literally), and we both said 'excuse me' and smiled - and then we realized who the other was after the fact . . . and both just kept walking. That is so fucked up, and sad as well.
The Bachelorette is painful to watch because the guys are pretty cute and all but one of them are going to get their hearts crushed.
It's also painful because Jillian is, well . . . kind of, like, dumb. But at least she's giving brunettes a place on prime time.
The Bachelorette is also hilarious to watch, because the guys are all dressed up and trying to impress Jillian, but when they all get into the same room, the claws come out and they start to strangely remind me of the insecure, catfighting girls on Rock of Love.
The only thing better than boarding a plane and escaping your evil boss is watching her board a plane to leave YOU.
If I ever get married, I'm doing the simplest, lowest maintenance wedding ever. Twenty minutes in David's Bridal on a Saturday morning made me realize I AM JUST NOT THAT GIRL.
Slippery slopes are hard to stop on. And even harder to climb back up.
Only calling while at a conference, blaming a 'messed up cell phone,' and disappearing for weeks at a time, are causes for suspicion. I think there's a girlfriend.
Second kisses are definitely better than first ones. :)

March Madness!

2009-03-21T14:13:00.005-04:00

Well, it's been an adventurous couple months and it's definitely killing the buzz to be back home. The work trip was safe and fun . . . highlights included:

Steelers winning the Superbowl!
Fun work activities and getting to see some really cool s***.
Learning to bartend (or at least trying!).
Birthday involving Johnnie Walker Blue and a field trip with a cute youngin', who bought me coffee and a birthday card.
Meeting some really awesome people.
Interviewing for three potential new jobs.
Someone wanting the privilege to call me "Sexy Cannoli."

And of course, the quotes:

"He's too big to fight. I'm just gonna shoot him."
"It's not a purse. It's a 'go-bag.'"
"Duck, Duck. This is Goose. How copy? Don't make me chase you down!"
"I've got socks older than you are!"
"Don't use a person's head as a clearing barrel."
"He's partially retarded, but he's one of my guys, so I have to love him."
"For this thing that hasn't happened yet, that's supposed to happen, what's the status?"
"Don't shoot the messenger. She'll shoot back."

When I got home, I had my sister and her boyfreind visit from Montana. We had a great time that included watching the Penguins beat the Capitals in a shootout, going out for sushi, playing pool, touring DC, and home salon hair treatments. I made sure to get them stuck in some crowds and traffic jams so they could appreciate the lack of population overcrowding when they go home!

After they left, it was time for VEGAS!!!! West Coast Party Girl (WCPG) and I met at our hotel and partied straight for 4 days, including St. Patrick's Day. We hit Pure, the Pussycat Doll Lounge, Ghostbar and Moon at the Palms, Eye Candy, Carnival Court, and Nine Fine Irishmen. We saw David Copperfield and the Blue Man Group. We relaxed by the pool and had a spa day. We met and partied with guys from England, Chicago, Colorado, Arizona, and Wisconsin, who ranged in age from 24 to 35. We spent St. Patrick's walking the Strip, ducking into different bars, and settled at Nine Fine Irishmen for the U2 cover band to end the night. Ahhh, Vegas. How I love thee. So much fun and I love WCPG for putting it all together and being my favorite bad influence! Oh, and introducing me to "I Love College." We changed the words to "I Love Vegas."

So now I am home from all my travels, battling a cold and sorting through a million pictures and emails. Managed to make good on plans made about a month ago for a belated birthday dinner at a Russian place downtown (feed a cold, right?) followed by dessert at a new-to-me spot called CoCo. I think I'm going to bake some cookies and maybe go shopping tomorrow. A lazy weekend to get me ready for work on Monday. I wish I didn't have to go back. Oh well, must work to be able to afford to play.

Goals for the Immediate Future:

1. Drink less. It's been a fun couple years but it's time to grow up a bit.

2. Work hard and lots so as to not get on evil boss's radar any more than I have to.

3. Enjoy my friends.

4. Keep apartment more clean.

Adios for now!

Go! Go! Go!

2009-01-24T10:41:00.002-05:00

God looks out for me. Just when I was starting to feel hopeless about the year, I have been given the chance for a little escape. It's a preview of a job for which I've already applied, and it will probably look really good that I intervew for it while I'm actually doing it. So I am leaving for a while. And my trip to Vegas is tacked on the end of it so I'm gone for a little longer than I originally thought! Yippee!

O reader, you know how much I enjoy my work trips. But I think this one just might save my sanity. I've been working like a slave since October, and despite the holidays, which have their own form of stress, I haven't had a change of scenery. Well, this trip should do the trick. Again, I marvel at my ability to seek and find relaxation in places where I receive hazard pay.

I feel proud of myself because last week, I walked over to Stupider and congratulated her on the baby. I couldn't resist throwing in a little sarcasm, but it wasn't bad (I led off the conversation with "So! I guess the word is out, huh?" in a veiled attempt to chide her for their juvenile secrecy). She seemed annoyed. I was sincerely happy for her and she still couldn't get off her high horse. Oh well. I did what I wanted to do and it made me feel much better.

I've been flirting with someone who because of work arrangements, is totally off limits . . . grr, it's so frustrating. He is a really great person and we talk whenever we can without breaking any rules. Then we say our goodbyes and he gives me a wink and a smile. Argh! Both of us want to hang out outside of work, but if we got busted, he could lose his job, which he loves. So we have to stand down . . . but I wish he'd quit being flirty, it makes it really difficult. Maybe we're both getting a high off just being of interest to each other to make work more exciting.

In other news, I am so excited for the Super Bowl that when I arrive at my destination, I'm going to stay up all friggin' night to watch it. My Terrible Towel will be my traveling companion. I am so proud of my Steelers! I am pretty sure we are going to clean house, but if we don't, I'm glad it would be a loss to a team with a decent man for a quarterback and a story behind their season. A worthy adversary.

The Inaguration coverage is still on. Analysis of everything from Cheney in the wheelchair (" . . . it was almost Freudian, like 'I'm not going to stand for this!'"), the crowd on the mall chanting "na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" when Bush came outside, Michelle's fitness ("this is the first First Lady to bring attention to the upper body . . . appearance"), and misuse of celebrity (Beanie Babies of the First Daughters). 'Best Week Ever' has me cracking up today. A couple things I noticed but upon which I haven't heard news commentary:

1. How fast Bush ran up the stairs of his helo ("seeya, suckers!!!")
2. Obama's speech focused on individual responsibility . . . yet his plans for government assistance are going to screw those of us who already understand and practice individual responsibility.
3. Caroline Kennedy's withdrawal from Senate consideration. Perhaps she took a good look at her charming uncle, collapsing at Inaugural lunches with a scandalous history, a drinking problem, and a brain tumor, and said, "um, hell no!"

What an interesting world. I am excited to leave the one I know and see some different places. We'll see what's up in the D-C when I get back.

Seeya in March. God bless!

Inaugural Thoughts

2009-01-20T11:39:00.002-05:00

It's happening right now. I'm watching on TV from home after an awesome weekend in one of the greatest cities on Earth, a city which is the seat of the democracy of this wonderful country. A city which has been celebrating for days, opening its arms to its citizens from near and far, a city that can (impossibly) simultaneously facilitate a mass gathering and put itself on lockdown.

I love it here. I love being able to step out of a metro and look around me, and see my nation's monuments to our founding fathers against the sky, always inspiring all of us to reach higher and stay true to what really matters.

Last night I went to my first Inaugural Ball. As my date and I walked to the venue, we had a spectacular view of the Capitol Dome, illuminated and covered with flags. It was quite an image with which to start the evening, and we discussed how, politics aside, democracy is the real cause for celebration today. Every four years, really every two when you think about it, America celebrates democracy's birthday by exercising our right to elect new leaders. A transition is exciting not only because of the individuals taking oaths, but the symbol they represent: an evolving, changing country that requires updating, upgrading, and acceptance of progress.

I love George W. Bush and always will. He will always be "my" president. I voted for him during college and was criticized for it by my liberal theatre friends: "Don't you want a job when you graduate????" Of course I did, but it wasn't on the stage. I knew I wanted to serve my country by working for the government. I wanted to be involved in making this country better, and I refused to be one of so many people I knew who would complain about the country for days straight but never DO anything to change it. I voted my dreams that election, and I was proud. And I am fortunate that my dreams came true. Bush 43 was my Commander in Chief when I entered civil service and he will always be my first real boss. I love and respect him for keeping my country safe for the past 8 years despite very, very bad men wanting to do us harm. Because of my work, I know things that most Americans don't know, think about, or even imagine . . . and I respect the man who has guided us the best he could through many trials and done what he felt was right (and stood up for it).

The president's job is not to provide us with everything we need to be happy. It is to preserve our freedoms so that WE can pursue what makes us happy. One of those freedoms is our safety, our life itself. Bush 43 had the cajones to stand up for that. I think Obama does too.

President Obama is not, as my parents seem to think, the anti-Christ. However, he is certainly not the Messiah, either. We simply must be realistic about what is really in this humble man's power to accomplish, and we must also accept that change will take time. January 21st is not going to be much different for us, and July 21st might not be either. But we cannot be fickle and turn our backs on our leader when we fail to receive instant gratification. Obama cited the scripture himself: "The time has come to cast off childish things."

America, if you want your change, now is the time. It is everyone's responsibility to make things better. Let's see what we're all made of.

"It Was a Very Good Year . . . "

2008-12-30T20:48:00.003-05:00

Another one gone by. I am looking forward to it being over. This year had one too many kicks in the teeth, right up to today, and I'm ready for it to be done.

A musical I know asks, "How do you measure a year?" If a year is measured in how much you stretched yourself, how much you felt, how much you loved . . . then it's been a very good year. It had a great start. It had some amazing times. It brought a few changes; some welcome, some not. And I can honestly say that the changes have made me stronger, more in touch with myself, and more aware in general. I've felt a million emotions very deeply; I cried, I laughed, I raged, I simmered, I loved, I loathed, I played, I played it safe. I fell off a wagon and climbed on another. There were firsts and lasts.

My, what a year can bring.

My new year's resolutions? Pretty simple.

GET NEW ASSIGNMENT AT WORK. Escape the clutches of evil and drama. Be free! But in the meantime . . .
Survive remaining months in office by taking as much time off and training as possible.
Avoid stabbing coworkers in face.
Get rid of people I honestly don't like that are cluttering up my life.
Keep up workout regiment.
VEGAS!

And most importantly . . . keep my soul intact. Keep my heart safe and strong, keep my love ready to give, keep the smiling little girl inside as the guiding force on how I see the world. I won't give in to a world that is trying to suffocate the good and break me down.

Happy 2009, folks! I wish you the best this year and always.

Catch Up (or, Life Back In the Twilight Zone)

2008-12-14T20:58:00.007-05:00

Hello! Time to bring you all up to speed on the holiday season and life in my alternate universe!

Thanksgiving at home was great. There was a snowstorm that created the perfect winter wonderland. Now, if only we could have such perfect snow at Christmas . . .

The class reunion was pretty much what I expected. Folks look pretty much the same, and mostly that is a great thing! There were only a couple people I didn't recognize immediately. It was really great to catch up and see people. I'm hoping it will reestablish some good old friendships.

In addition to the reunion, my old group of girls got together for a Friday night out to the new bar in our sleepy little hometown, which just a year or so ago approved allowing liquor licenses within the borough . . . consequently, it is no longer a "dry" town. And halleluiah! The bar was quite fun, and refreshingly inexpensive. Me and my girls had a hilarious time. There were shots, pictures, stories, dancing, and even karaoke. I was DD and got everyone home safely.

Stats from the weekend:

Social/family events: 3
Alcohol units consumed: 11
Questions regarding my relationship status: 7

Overall pretty good.

I drove back to VA in the rain and crappy traffic, listening to the Steelers whallop the Patriots (yesssss!). Got home and proceeded to have quite an odd night - which involved getting butt-dialed at 0200 and hearing some things I really could have lived without hearing. It was therefore NOT a good Monday. The week didn't get a whole lot better, but it sure ended oddly . . .

I was invited to a guy friend's place, he wanted to make me dinner. So I went, and we enjoyed a tasty meal and a dip in the hot tub outside in the cold air. He is an odd one, which I've known all along. But I absolutely did not expect we'd spend the whole night discussing . . . (ahem) . . . sex. He wanted to know everything about me and supplied the same information about himself. We even looked at less-than-wholesome internet material sitting on his bed. And while he never laid a hand on me except our hugs hello and goodbye, he gave me the most direct proposition I've ever received. Flat out: "If you decide you want to, I'm game" (in so many words). I responded that I was flattered, but I was absolutely not "there" with him, and I needed us to only be friends right now. As is usually the case with my boys, he's left the area not to return for a few months. I'm thankful for that because the whole thing just about knocked me off a cliff.

Oh - let's not forget that this is just another example of ridiculous incestuousness in my life: he is the ex-fling of one of my girlfriends . . . and the last guy Stupider dated prior to settling for Stupid. Can somebody please write me out of this ludicrious sitcom already?????

Speaking of whom . . . if I can trust my ears - the Stupids are preggo. There is simply no end to this insanity. Perhaps my wish that they will have triplets will come true, but I'll settle for both of them getting fat (well, him getting fatter that is).

This past week also kicked my ass across town. I worked like a slave and rewarded myself with a nice relaxing weekend. I had a lovely lunch with an old friend who conveniently owns a tux, and will be my date for the Inaugural Ball. I had pizza/movie night in with my cuddle buddy, who is simply damn adorable. He even went out in the cold to bring my car to the door for me when I left; how sweet is that? I hit the "Little Black Dress" party and got to hear a live acoustic set by GAVIN ROSSDALE!!!! It was great. He did his new single, plus "Comedown" and "Glycerine," and even covered U2's "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses."

I am looking forward to this week (my last full one at work for a while, yay!) to get my Christmas shopping done. I'm in the Christmas spirit for sure after going to a church-sponsored sing-along of Handel's "Messiah" this afternoon. It's a glorious and happy time of year and I'm going to soak up every minute!

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

Something to November

2008-11-23T18:32:00.006-05:00

The leaves have fallen. I reach for sweaters and not tank tops. I lace up my Dr. Martens, not slip into my Birkenstocks. I leave the house early to warm up the car and dash from the parking lot to my desk, not stroll to enjoy the morning. I run on a treadmill so my ears don't freeze. I turn my face to the sun and soak up all the rays I can, when I can, because it seems I never know when I'll see it again.

Winter is here.

At least I can get a little more sun than I did in PA.

I've been busy since my last blog. I went shopping and treated myself to a massage. I had a date. I hunted real estate since the season is so good, looking at 9 places in the past 2 weeks, 4 of which are promising. I partied with some new friends (and JunkFood!). I had a lovely dinner with my favorite ex-boyfriend (no, I don't hate all of them). I had a girl-date. I had two guy-friend-dates. I worked a lot. I had another date. I welcomed home one of my girls with a ride to her car and a cup of coffee and lots of girl-talk. I finally got my hair back to its relatively normal color, plus a slightly different cut (think a shorter version of Shannen Dougherty - it looks dark enough to make me look mildly goth and I might play w/ that at work tomorrow).

And something happened that hasn't happened for a year . . .

I got flowers.

I got flowers!!!! I promise I will only "girl-out" for two sentences despite wanting to gush volumes . . .

1. Flowers are simply a really nice thing.

2. I like to get them, not all the time, but occasionally.

OK, done. And sure, o reader, I'll give you what you really want . . .

Yes, the dates were good. Excellent, in fact. They're very cool guys and I had a lot of fun. One is even a Steelers fan from 'da Burgh.

But neither of them has the smile that the flowers saw before the sender clicked "SUBMIT ORDER." Neither of them has the laugh I miss. Neither of them has the sweetness to laugh off a ridiculous night of celebratory drinking or to hang my towel closer to the shower door. Neither of them knows what songs I sing when I blow-dry my hair. Neither of them are quite there.

Yep, I'm a sap. But I've found someone who's very important to me and that's just how it is. I don't know if it's love, or forever, but it makes me smile now. And that's all I need. Be safe out there, Goldilocks. I'll be missing you.

I'm off to PA this week for some family holiday time and my high school class reunion. No doubt this will be an adventure, and I will post a count of alcohol units consumed (if I manage to keep track, that is!)

From the Fringe

2008-11-08T16:49:00.005-05:00

As I write this, the entire social circle of my first two years in Virginia, plus the majority of my coworkers for the past two, are somewhere celebrating the Stupids' wedding, after-the-fact. Because when you get married after dating for only 8 months, keeping it a secret from everyone, and you run off to Vegas to do it since one of you has already had one big wedding, you don't really have time to involve everyone. Today's attendees include Dusty and Where's Dessert, two people who used to be very, very close to me . . . and who are no longer. People I used to trust. People I used to even love.

It's on my mind. I can't help it. I've known it was coming for several weeks now and my tolerance of Stupider in the office grew pretty thin recently. But maybe knowing today's event is finally happening can help the moving on process.

Who am I fooling - the way this bullshit drama is unfolding, she's already pregnant and they'll just be breaking the news to everyone today. ;)

Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" came on the iPod on random today and how appropriate.

I showed up in boots and ruined your black tie affair
Last one to know, last one to show
I was the last one you thought you'd see there
I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of champagne
I toasted you, said 'honey we may be through,
But you'll never hear me complain!'

And the live-version-only third verse:

I guess I was wrong, I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
Everything's all right
I'll just say goodnight and show myself to the door
I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait till I finish this glass
Sweet little lady, I'll get back to the bar
And you can KISS MY ASS!!!!

While I dream of a delicious confrontation in which I come out the obvious winner, I know too much time has passed for that to actually happen. I also know that resolution lies in my hands alone, because it's obvious they don't see any need to reconcile. While I doubt true reconciliation is possible, I'm praying for the ability to forgive and to remain the stronger person. The one who sees people doing hurtful things and promises to never, ever, treat another person that way.

And I know everyone is wondering why I'm still talking about it. It's been almost a year. Yes, I know. But just think how easy it would be for YOU to heal from major deceit, major betrayal by two of your close friends . . . and to top it off, have to work EVERY DAMN DAY with one of the responsible parties. You tell me how well you'd do when you see her every day, knowing she lied to your face and deliberately deceived you, and it was likely at his request. Think about it and tell me how easy it would be to wake up every day, prepare for work like you'd prepare for battle, sit in a cube for 9 hours, conscious of everything you do and say, dreading every moment you might hear her voice, listening to her and her BFF pick-and-talk about weekend plans or home improvement projects or the latest party in the circle you are no longer a part of. Think about how it would feel to have a boss who thinks your nemesis can do no wrong, while you are the only person in the office the boss openly dislikes and constantly reprimands. Think about it.

And don't judge me too harshly till you've walked the same road.

So yeah, it's still on my mind. I know distance helps and look forward to it every chance I have. But until then, it's a wound that's ripped open every day and I appreciate your patience while I slowly heal.

It's Halloween!

2008-10-31T06:26:00.005-04:00

Once a year, you have to determine your answer to one of life's most important questions:

"Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"

I am definitely a bad witch.

Because bad witches have more fun.

I am so excited for today. Yes, I will probably look a little out of place at work in my costume, but how much more appropriate for my work could my "Wicked Witch of the Middle East" costume be? I also take pride wearing it in my office, where the drama is high and I am seen as a witch anyway. After work I'll be heading into the city for drinks and dinner, followed by a performance by my favorite local/cover band. Yay!

I hope everyone out there has a spookaliscious Halloween! Enjoy yourself and don't let the kids have all the fun!

What Friends Are Made Of

2008-10-21T21:37:00.003-04:00

It's not for the weak or the ambivalent.

If you want to be called my friend, this is what's expected:

Honesty. If you know something that I don't, and it pertains to me, you have to tell me. No matter how much you don't want to, and no matter how you think I'll react.
Brutal Honesty. If I ask you something, don't lie to me. Even if it makes me look fat, I want to know.
Intelligence. Don't ask me questions if whatever answer I give won't even possibly change your mind.
Empathy. When I am down, try and pick me up. If you can't, get down on the ground with me until I can stand.
Loyalty. If I'm right, stand by me. If I'm wrong, tell me and help me see why.
Care. I don't mind if we don't talk every day, or every week, but when something wonderful, or terrible, happens in your life, let me share it with you.
Humility. Tell me when you hurt, and I will do everything I can to heal you.
Understanding. I am a little nuts . . . but not more so than your average person. Maybe I am even less crazy than you. Accept me for who I am, and accept that I try to change what I can.
Love. I am a loving person, and I have a lot to give. You must be able to love me back, and love others.
(For the boys:) Platonicism. The basis of a cupcake is the cake, not the icing or sprinkles. If we have a friendship that leads to sparks, how lucky we are indeed. But passion fades, and friendship can last forever. Our friendship should be strong regardless of what we do or don't do.
Help. Think of The Godfather. Healthy exchanges of influence when requested with grace. I will do whatever I can for you, and I expect the same.

And as I posted a while back, I will not hold others to standards I cannot meet myself. If you can do the above things, I will do them for you with everything I have. I will do them happily, for a true friend.

In my life right now, I've acquired some companions who are not true friends. My naivete sometimes fools me into believing I can be friends with everyone I meet, even when we have little in common or circumstances change over long periods of time. This is simply not true. Some people require a buffer of space, something I've learned the hard way many, many times. Some people are pure evil. Some people manipulate, using others only to validate themselves. Some hate themselves and can only find satisfaction in taking others down with them.

Maybe these folks have never known the blessing of true friendship, which is really sad to me. I have experienced it more than I deserve. And I maintain that to call people "friends" who don't truly deserve the title, is an insult to the true ones. It's as simple as a turn of phrase.

They are not friends. They are acquaintences. Auxiliaries. Companions. Passerby. And by the end of the year, they are going to be put in their place.

To my real friends out there - I know you're there because I wouldn't share this blog with you otherwise - I love you, and I promise I will show it as often as I can, and as often as you need.

Thank you for being part of my life.

Roaming Gnome

2008-10-09T04:43:00.005-04:00

Since 12 September, I have transited exactly 12 airports, and four of them more than once. I have been across the country and to the other side of the world. I leave tomorrow for yet another excursion across the country.

I love to travel. Obviously. I can't get enough of seeing new places and new faces, of being gawked at as a stranger, of trying new foods (and praying they don't jack my stomach up!) of shopping in strange markets and stores, of exploring hotels, of seeing new terrain that has been more beautiful than I ever thought possible.

I saw mosaics, mountains, art, and one of the true wonders of the ancient world and can only thank God I had the opportunity.

I heard a few funny things along the way:

"Excuse me, Mr. Ambassador, may I use your can?"
"I'm eating the pork as cover."
"Infidel cooties are the worst kind."
Person 1: "You're gonna miss me someday!" Person 2: "When, after I kill you??"
"I quit this bitch."

I also learned a few things, as one truly should while traveling:

When someone says a person has a "very dry sense of humor," it really means that the person referred to is a complete asshole, and the speaker is too nice to say so.
Even perfect people make mistakes (delicious knowledge for those of us who can't ever seem to get stuff right!). I heard the story of Mrs. Stupider giving a big briefing and concluding with " . . . and that's our office in a nutbag."
Always bring an extra bag when you are going on a trip. You never know what you might find in your shopping adventures.
An hour-long climb of 800+ steps in 85-degree heat is not nearly as fun as it may seem, but it's worth the subsequent two days of pain to see amazing views and ruins.
Jet lag sucks. It will make you doze off in meetings despite actually caring and listening, and it will rise you at 0400 when all you want to do is sleep.
I really, really, don't want to go into work today. I want to go shopping, eat everything in sight, and get pretty for my visit with my hottie this weekend.

I guess I'll settle for wearing heels, styling my hair, putting on lipstick, and visiting Starbucks, all of which I have not experienced for 2 weeks. I may travel around the world, but returning to my daily life often seems like the biggest adventure.

A Passive-Aggressive Post

2008-09-07T20:54:00.004-04:00

It's said, that if you look for trouble, you usually find it.

It is true indeed. I wish I'd never looked. I wish I'd never seen it, so that I wouldn't now be wondering why it was there, what happened to it, and why it's gone.

I know the winds have shifted. Call it female intuition, call it paranoia, call it whatever you want . . . but it's actually frightening how often my gut instincts have been right in this past year. I know right now that something is different, and I'm pretty sure I know what's changed.

I could be hurt, I guess. I could over-react and act like a psycho about it. I could get enraged and catty and lash out. I could change my plans, I could sit and cry, I could simply disappear.

I could do a lot of things.

But again, I turn to music to find my solace . . . George Michael:

But I gotta think twice before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play, because I play them, too
Oh but I need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
When that love comes down without devotion
Well it takes a strong man, baby, but I'll showin' you the door
Because I gotta have faith . . .

I will not be angry at the breaking of rules I myself have broken, because I view hypocrisy as possibly the worst character trait a human can possess. I know what I've done, and yes, part of it is regrettable, but most of it isn't. I will not hold others to standards I cannot meet myself. Therefore, I will be rational, because to get angry would only mean others have the right to get angry with me.

This one will have to just go away.

A Footnote

2008-08-23T23:39:00.002-04:00

" . . . that there's some good in this world, Master Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

I'm such a dork. But I'm cute so things even out.

Two Weeks Gone

2008-08-23T15:39:00.002-04:00

The last two weeks have been quite a whirl. I've tried to find time to blog but find sleep a little more important (nothing personal to you, o reader!). A few observations from this time, which feels much longer than just two weeks:

Certain parts of my anatomy have gotten bigger in the last year, if not more recently than that. Not only do most of my work shirts look obscene, but well-fitting dresses I wore just a year ago now restrict my breathing. This fact has been noted by others as well as myself. I have no idea how it happened. While some people would consider this happening a blessing, I am simply annoyed. They were hard to hide before, but now, they are one size away from needing their own seat during airline travel. Sigh . . .
My hair is lighter, and everyone seems to like it. I've gotten random compliments, but I've also been told my natural color looked "too dark." Not sure what the hell to do with it now.
I hate feeling jealous, and it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it is consuming and I become one very mean bitch.
I can appreciate a wedding and be happy for the bride and groom, while still never wanting to get married myself.
However, if I should lose my fucking mind and decide to get hitched, I found the church where I'd want it to happen. I also found a backup spot in case (for whatever reason) the church is a no-go. Both are small and intimate, and were there all along, but I just never noticed.
I need to bury a few hatchets, so to speak. So I am going to pull them out of my back (they're starting to get annoying), patch the wounds as best as I can, and make it stop hurting. I'm going to bury the hatchets and add the injuries and scars to my list of "You'll Never Believe This, But It Really Happened and I Lived Through It" occasions in my life.
One of my exes still wears a shirt I bought him. It's a little tighter than it was when I got it. And his hair is oddly reminiscent of Beaker (yes, the Muppet).
I really love my sister and my best friend. I miss being far away from them and I am really glad I got to see them.
My life is ridiculously incestuous. Between Stupid & Stupider, my best friend's dad marrying my ex-boyfriend's mother, and a coworker who is BFF with MY friend's ex-wife, I'm wondering if anyone else has situations as royally fucked up as mine.
I've got some exciting travels coming up! Visiting my sister in Montana, then going on a work trip. I am welcoming any escape from work and mundane life. I do, however, find it weird that I pray for business trips because they are relaxing, compared to the stress of my office these days. 14-hour days, 7-day weeks, guns and war . . . and yet I find more peace away from home than here.
I finally watched Lost In Translation after owning a $2 copy from Cambodia for 2 years. Wow. "I have to be leaving now, but I won't let that come between us." The story of my life.

Sometimes, there's nothing better than taking some time for yourself to blog, drink a tasty Chilean Savingon Blanc, and watch a movie, all by yourself . . . and the best part is when you realize it's the most fulfilling night you've had in weeks.

It is, indeed, the good life.

It's All About Perspective

2008-08-06T21:09:00.012-04:00

I HAVE HAD A SHITTY DAY.

It started well enough. I woke up early, emailed a hottie, and completed an important errand on the way to work (I am proud to have donated about $600 worth of professional clothes I no longer need to 'Dress for Success,' a charity that helps less fortunate women prepare for job interviews and consequently, the work force. Ladies - next time you clean out your closet, keep this group in mind for your gently used professional attire).

Then I had to see another hottie, the one I had to let go. I couldn't say anything, as we were both working. It really sucks.

Then I rear-ended a bus and hurt my baby girl.

I'm fine, just had a headache all day. She is rolling fine as well, just a little cosmetic damage. Not sure yet how much it'll cost to make her perfect again.

Then I called Mom & Dad, all upset and freaked out, crying like a nut.

Then I had to go into work, where I couldn't get crap done due to said pounding head.

Then I went to the salon, where I intended to return my hair to all one color (its natural dark chocolate glory) and get my nails done. The hair took forever . . . and is NOT dark chocolate, but more caramel-chocolate. I had time for the manicure, but not the pedicure, and I have to go back tomorrow.

Then I remembered my new friend from my trip, Jack, who was diagnosed with a brain tumor last week and has to have surgery for it.

I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Cause you know what? My car can be fixed, and I can afford it. My job will be there for me tomorrow. My hair will grow out, and I, again, can afford to fix it.

But Jack doesn't have such comforts. And if he can be positive, then it's damn pathetic if I can't.

Thank you, God, for the wonderful people in my life. Thank you for my health, my professional success, and the life they let me enjoy. I refuse to whine any longer when I have so, SO much for which to be thankful.

Life is so beautiful.

The Princes and the Pig

2008-08-04T17:47:00.007-04:00

I've been blogging for a year; happy Blogiversary to me! I want to mark the occasion by telling a funny little fairy tale.

Once upon a time, a princess moved into her very own castle. Sometimes, a prince would come to visit. When he arrived, he would empty out his pockets and put their contents on the princess' counter. When he left, he would take all the big items, including the biggest coins, but would leave the smaller coins behind. One day, after watching him select the big coins and leave behind a large pile of small ones, the princess asked, "What do you want me to do with all this money? It's yours." The prince responded, "Geez, I don't care. I only want the big coins."

So the princess bought a piggy bank. Big. Silver. And every day the prince left coins behind, she'd put them in the piggy bank, to keep them out of sight so the castle looked a little less messy.

As princes often do, this prince eventually left the princess alone. She wondered what was the right thing to do with the coins the prince had left her? The piggy bank was half full! But she never could bring herself to touch them. Before she could find an answer, another prince began calling. To the princess' shock, he did the exact same thing - left piles of small coins on her counter with every departure. While this bothered the princess greatly, she figured it was just another thing she'd have to tolerate when there was a prince around.

Again, as princes do, this prince left her alone as well. The princess again wondered what to do with the coins in the bank . . . it was almost full, after all! She started cleaning out her purse each night, keeping only what coins she needed, and putting the rest in the piggy bank. Collecting the coins now consumed her, she was determined to find a worthy purpose for the money.

One day, she added coins to the piggy bank only to find coins underneath it . . . it was so full that coins had spilled out of the seal on the bottom! The princess emptied the bank and put all the coins in bucket. My, my, was it heavy! She carried the heavy burden to the bank and received paper notes. She took the notes and put them in her account for something special.

On one of the princess' many adventures, she met a handsome warrior-prince that made the rest of the princes she knew look like complete pussies. The warrior was strong, independent, and honest, and he made the princess feel safe. He found her beautiful, and didn't need to be with her to feel secure, but he wanted to be with her because he liked her.

Upon his return from battle, the princess invited the warrior to her castle for a feast in his honor. She took the money she had saved and spent every coin's worth on the feast, celebrating his presence. She laughed at the princes who foolishly cast off the small coins, and smiled at her own wisdom, patience, and newfound love. She spent her money as she chose for the rest of her days, with the warrior by her side, and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Ha!

2008-07-22T18:32:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure what I was expecting today. I hadn't really formulated a plan beyond "SHOW NO PAIN" . . . but he didn't have the balls to talk to me at all before, why would he have the balls to talk to me at all now? There was nothing said, and there wasn't even eye contact. I couldn't even tell you what color shirt he was wearing, much less if the brown shoes are still around. We contentedly ignored each other ALL day, just doing our work.

I'm not letting the guard down, but I'm not expecting anything from him. I'm also not initiating anything. What is there to say that is not trite, patronizing, or a flat out lie? And furthermore . . . why make it any more of an issue than it already is? Why fuel the drama that he threw ME into? I'm so done. My lips are sealed.

Regarding my goals:

Stand/sit up straight: check
Avoid vomiting (in front of anyone): while mildly nauseated when he walked in, I held it down!
Look good (if not fabulous): check. Classic black & white, Barbie pink pedicure peeking out of classy sandals, ponytail, and Tiffany butterfly.
Get some work done: check.
Smile: check.
Smile some more: my face almost hurts.
Engage someone for drinks after work toasting my success in the previous goals: Dusty's picking me up in 20 mins.

Excellent work. Tomorrow: just another day. Warrior mode will be sustained for the time being. Silence is golden.

And quite productive, might I add.

"Then we will fight in the shade . . . "

2008-07-21T23:06:00.004-04:00

Just finished watching 300 with a fabulous Riesling. Blogging with a buzz is the closest I get to "freewrites" back in high school.

Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day I've faced at work in a long time (the enemies' arrows are close to blocking out the sun), but I've prepared myself as best I can . . . getting in touch with my inner warrior (really, 300 is the best thing EVER for that), preparing to fight and if not conquer, at least go down swinging. I'm also focusing on the amazing weekend I spent with my real-life Warrior. And today I rewarded myself with my first Tiffany gift:

Hooray for me!

Goals for tomorrow:

Stand/sit up straight.
Avoid vomiting (in front of anyone).
Look good (if not fabulous).
Get some work done.
Smile.
Smile some more.
Engage someone for drinks after work toasting my success in the previous goals.

I miss my best friend, as I could SO use one of his pep talks tonight.

One look in my enemy's eye, and I will know everything I need to know. It's been over a year and he thinks the battle is on his turf . . . but I've already taken the beach. A LONG time ago. I don't have to work with him. HE has to work with ME.

There's an old country song I've been reminded of since this whole mess began:

"Oh, that's a mighty long way to go . . . "

The whole FYH4M mindset is not about what short-term gratification you can rub in another person's face. It's about underlying power, about the long term. The battle may produce one outcome, but the war is long.

I can do this. I will do this. And I will never, ever, look back.

Lucky Charms Birth Control

2008-07-17T07:10:00.003-04:00

Well, I am safely back in the country again. This most recent trip was also super-fun. I, again, learned a lot, made some good friends, annoyed my bosses at home just enough so they wouldn't forget about me, and survived wearing the same 6 shirts, 5 pairs of pants, and 3 pairs of shoes for 6 weeks. I met cute boys, partied like a rockstar, and learned that extreme heat affects my body in a similar way as taking shots of tequila. It was great. I love my work.

So, what has changed in the last 2 months? A few little things. Stupid ex and Stupider coworker (hmm, new nicknames perhaps? I'm still working on finding a good set. Stupid & Stupider? Linus and Lucy? Mr. & Mrs. Jack.Ass?) tied the knot in Vegas a week or so after I left. She bought her wedding dress online. Classy, let me tell you. And let's not forget the emails she cc'd the whole office on alerting our HR to her name change. When I go back to work next Tuesday, Mr. will be hanging in my office till he finds a new assignment, and Mrs. will be back on Thursday. So I'll be sharing office space with BOTH parts of the happy couple. Does this kind of crap happen to anyone else? I swear, it's worse than a bad episode of Friends.

Also, my former friend Where's Dessert has taken Troll back, saying he's going to have to make up for everything. Riiiiight. I am very relieved that I am no longer part of that drama. Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before his jackassery takes over and he hurts her again, so I'm sure my phone will ring then. I just hope it's not in 2 years when there's an expensive wedding and a kid involved. Please, God . . .

Not much has changed for me personally. I've been enjoying my well-earned time off, just shopping and running errands. All the boys are behaving (they missed me while I was gone), but I had to let one of them know the game is over. Hated to do it over email but he lives in Jersey so seeing each other would take significant effort, which would have been wasted if it was just going to end. He was getting very jealous and his temper made me really uneasy. I told him once before that if we stayed together, we'd probably hit or scream at each other since we both have such firey dispositions. Best end it now before things got too serious. Anyway, I have the one who's in first place coming to see me this weekend. VERY excited to see him. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he misses me. I'm a simple girl, I don't need much more than that!

So, I wake up early thinking about him, stumble out to get myself a bowl of Lucky Charms and get online to start off yet another day. I pop my BC pill out of the pack and set it on the stove, pick it up for transport to the living room . . . and it slips through my fingers and drops into my bowl of Lucky Charms. D'OH! I fish for it with my spoon to no avail. Now, if there's one thing I hate, it's the lukewarm, blue milk at the end of a bowl of Lucky Charms. I have no choice today but to eat the cereal, then fish for the pill, which is half-dissolved. So that means I have to pour MORE cereal in to absorb the milk (just can't do it straight) to make sure as much of the pill as possible gets into my system. I just finished it and I feel kind of ill. Again, I must ask, does this crap happen to other people??? I have to laugh, there's nothing else you CAN do!

Some sound bytes from the last trip:

"I'm not drunk, I'm sedated from my pain."
"He's gayer than a football bat."
"Here, the dust is so thick, you don't need sunscreen."
"I love dust! The best part is flossing it out of my teeth."
On why we can get away with just about anything: "What are they going to do, send me to a war zone? I'm already here!"
"If you're not a little bit frustrated here, you're not working hard enough."
"There's always time for lubricant!"
"I kinda have a hamster in my brain."
"I know I"m being filmed. That's why I'm keeping my pants on."
"TOC - where fun goes to die!"
"Frankenrocket!"
"It takes guts to be nuts!"
"You know you're here when you sleep in a trailer and work in a palace."

Good times, let me tell you. But the most valuable thing I learned was . . .

Loaded Coronas.

Take a Corona, sip it down a little so it's mid-neck full. Top off with a shot of Bacardi Limon rum. Seal the top with your thumb or hand and invert bottle to mix (same as you do normally). Sip and enjoy. Repeat until room spins.

Peace out.

"What Condoms Have to Do With Climate Change" - Article from Time.com

2008-05-13T21:19:00.005-04:00

If you need a daily dose of common sense, this should do it for today. Sure, it's a little on the edge. But it is so logical. Too interesting not to share.

From Time.com. I can't figure out how to do a link (sigh), so you'll have to cut and paste. I promise it's worth it.

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1739253,00.html

Testimony of a Commitment Phobic

2008-05-07T19:51:00.005-04:00

Last week, I was asked by a fellow commitment phobic why I am one as well. Since I'd had several margaritas at that point, I told him.

I told him about Nick, who cheated on me with a senior when he was a freshman and I was in 8th grade.

I told him about Jed, who read my emails for a year, read my journal, and looked up my phone calls without my knowledge, and later abandoned the cat we adopted together.

I told him about Tim, who couldn't stand up for himself and made me the villain. He's the one who's engaged to my coworker and still! neither of them have the guts to tell me so. When I see either of them again face to face, they'll be married.

I told him about Adam, who I really let in, really treated like a boyfriend, really was a good girlfriend to . . . and who dumped me after 4 months. He told me he had considered cheating on me to make it easier, and he told me he wished he could be proposing instead.

So yeah, I've been hurt. Each of these men broke my heart, and I'm not really that excited to take another chance. I am not so much of an idiot that I believe it will never happen again, and perhaps I'm only delaying the inevitable, but I have gone over a year without a heartbreak now. And it's been a good year, full of flirting and fun and friendships and martinis and vacations and time with the people who mean the most to me.

Sometimes I wish I could be like those other girls, the ones who actually have a "bride gene," who believe that their whole purpose in life is to meet the right guy, fall in love, get married, and have a family. Then I see people whose lives have been torn apart by divorce, cheating, financial co-depencency, custody battles, "irreconcilable differences," and just general relationship trauma. The worst are the folks who just aren't strong enough in their senses of self to move on and go it alone after a heartbreak. I just don't understand how someone can rely on another person for their ultimate happiness. It doesn't make sense to me.

Fifty percent of marriages end by divorce. I'm no math genius, but that's half. Would you invest your money in something that failed half of the time? Would you buy a car that only started half the time?

And OK . . . maybe it's because I haven't met the right guy. Maybe it's because I've met too many of the wrong ones. Maybe it's because I've seen what married men act like away from their wives. Maybe it's because I've had it with my snivelling, needy girlfriends. Maybe it's because I know my parents' 38 years together might not have been exactly what either of them wanted. Maybe I've lost faith in the dated, patriarchical institution that seems more like self-abandonment than "marriage." Maybe it's because I'm just scared of being that vulnerable to someone who could possibly mean the emotional chainsaw massacre of my heart.

But I know what I want. I know who I am, I know what makes me happy. I know what I want my long-term partnership to be like, and I know that someday it will happen.

In the meantime, I'm playing it safe. I'm playing it safe and making myself (that is, my SELF) strong . . . so when I choose to join my precious heart to another, it's the best heart it can be. And it will be strong enough to stand on its own, yet stand beside another heart, not because it needs another, but because it wants another.

And it's gonna be great.

And All That Jazz

2008-05-01T20:32:00.006-04:00

I want to take a moment to give props to one of my favorite chick flicks:

Chicago.

This film is probably a better breakup movie than Waiting to Exhale. It's visually stimulating, with juxtaposing music scenes that switch between hard, cold, city images and fancy theater scenes with the actors singing onstage. It's rich. It's luscious. It's full of strong, manipulative, street-smart, wiseass female characters who commit to their choices no matter what the consequences. And yes, they accomplish what I think most girls passionately wish they could do sometimes . . . they kill their chauvenistic, slimy partners! They take them the f*** out! They get caught and go to prison and get attourneys and go to trial and hang and get off and become stars. Add in the jazzy sound and Bob Fosse choreography, and you've got a musical tale that is dripping with sexiness, vengeance, sarcasm, and female beguiling.

And of course it's fake. It's a movie/musical for crying out loud, don't take it so seriously. I am not advocating violence in any way.

It's just good. A little shot (haha) of girl power that is well performed and not even too cheesy for a musical. If you haven't seen it, check it out. If you don't have time to watch it, get the soundtrack.

Some of my favorite lines from this show are:

"You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic."

"So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots . . . into his head."

"He had it comin.'"

"I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?"

"Sure I'm sorry. Sorry I got caught!"

"When you're in trouble, go into your dance!"

"Stay away from jazz and liquor and the men who play for fun!"

"He liked to take me out and show me off for fun. Ugly guys like to do that."

"First I started foolin' around. Then I started screwin' around . . . which is foolin' around without dinner."

. . . and my ultimate favorite . . .

"OH, I'M NO ONE'S WIFE

BUT OH, I LOVE MY LIFE!"

And

All.

That.

Jazz.

Recuperation

2008-04-02T18:43:00.002-04:00

If I got hit by a bus tomorrow and the previous blog was the last thing I ever posted, I'd be sorry. Therefore, I am going to blog about all the happy things from the last two weeks, because despite a bad day and a brief indulgence in my negativity, I am happy again and life is just damn amazing.

I'm training for my first 5K and am doing really well, and even enjoying it.
I finally saw the Harlem Globetrotters. Fun, but a little schticky - for the kids!
I received the best compliment ever. Unfortunately, it's somewhat obscene, so I can't reproduce it here. But dang, it felt great to hear it!
Scotch. And handsome green eyes to look into as I sipped it.
I was a good friend to a drunk friend, knowing that she has never been and will never be that good of a friend to me. What can I say, I'm a giver.
Easter and all the happy feelings of rebirth, innocence, and joy it brings.
A much better Easter Sunday than last year - taller, more handsome, and definitely more sensitive. As the song goes: "He tastes like you, only sweeter . . . "
OTB with Rowdy (see previous post from November).
Cheese fries and half-price beers with my coworkers.
Pittsburgh: shopping for Penguins and Steelers gear, Station Square, Mount Washington, and hometown bars.
Seeing my beautiful sister - it had been way too long.
Seeing my very best friend. Damn, I miss him.
Mom's food.
It's Cherry Blossom season in DC!
Upcoming plans for the weekend involving a very special guest. :)

And so it goes. There are some clouds on the horizon but I am strong enough to get through the storm. My life is how I want it to be and nothing can stop the joy I feel about that. It is a wonderful, colorful, beautiful life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

List

2008-03-15T15:32:00.004-04:00

In case you've never tried it, o reader, one of the best ways to get over someone is to make a list of things about them that drove you crazy (in a bad way). I did this for my ex over a year ago when he dumped me. But the whole situation is on my mind quite a bit over the last few weeks since he got engaged to my coworker, as noted in a previous post. Yesterday, I noticed a new picture of the two of them on her desk (she is on a work trip and not around), and, well, it kind of pissed me off. So I am going to post the highlights of the aforementioned list, only in a new light.

I never imagined I'd be that girl who blasts her exes on the internet . . . but nor did I ever imagine he truly had so little class, and that he could pull something this shady on anyone, much less me. I am hurt, and this is a much healthier method of coping than tracking him down and slapping him.

13 Things About Him That Are Not My Problem Anymore and That I Hope She Has Fun With

He's not really that attractive. I was probably out of his league, and I'm pretty sure she is.
His old, dorky glasses frames that he felt were as much a part of him as his nut sack.
He wore the same pair of shoes every day. And they were so brown, they were almost red.
His OBSESSION with jazz.
Snoring. It was BAD. I would lay there and wonder how it was possible for a human to make that style of noise.
He talked constantly but COULDN'T COMMUNICATE.
His car was FILTHY inside and he cleaned it out once in the 1.5 years we dated.
For one split second, one time, I got scared that he was about to hit me.
He thought it was funny to speak in an Asian-English accent (as in "herro" instead of "hello" - being that she is Asian, I wonder if he still does this).
He laughed, in my face, at my religious beliefs, yet demanded I have respect for his athiest ones.
He preferred to jump off my balcony in the mornings rather than accept my offered spare key.
He brought me flowers ONCE during that 1.5 years.
He promised he'd always be there for me.

Drunken Humor

2008-03-08T02:34:00.004-05:00

Just spent a birthday-slash-girls-night-out with my girlfriends. After a TON of sangria, the best Mexican in DC at Rosa Mexicano, and a GIANT Long Island Iced Tea at Lucky Bar, all I know is the following:

I drunk-txted a former coworker who, last December, won the Best Kiss 2007 award. But he contacted me earlier in the day so it wasn't in the blind!
Sound bytes of the night included "I know we're in Dupont because you're IN MY ASS" and "I used to have a crush on that guy, but then I got laid."
I adore my girls. Big props to Soon-to-Be Suburban Princess, Where's Dessert, Yes They're Real, and especially I'm Not Einstein for being our DD.

Special thanks to Yes They're Real for putting it all together . . . and bringing the semi-ridiculous, leprechaun and rainbow we-guarantee-a-diabetic-coma birthday cake!

I'll say it yet again - this is the good life!

There and Back Again

2008-03-05T20:42:00.007-05:00

A traveling young woman's tale, by Andrea.

I slept on foreign soil for 60 nights and returned safely, thank God. It was an awesome experience. The best thing by far was the people I worked for and with, and how open and friendly every single one was. It meant a lot to rediscover helpful, like-minded people focused on a goal rather than who they can step on to get ahead. So I'll give a shout out to all the merciless-vigilant-mercenaries and my coworkers in the secret room . . . it was truly my pleasure to meet and work with each one of you.

Below are some of the funny things I heard and recorded (as anyone who knows me well knows, I like to create "sound bytes" of quotes to enhance my memories). Of course, most of them will make no sense out of context, but they will probably sound funny anyway . . .

"Thank Allah it's Thursday."
"Just another day in the fishbowl."
"We're at the mercy of the weather . . . "
"Do you know what the Matrix is?"
"Where the hell is the bird?"
"Bubblegoose!"
"He's just pissy because he's fucking the fat chick."
"You know what this team needs??? A midget!"
"Women may be crazy, but at least we walk upright."
"Window or aisle?"
"It feels like a facial, only it's painful."
"You should get hazard pay from all the pork swords walking around. Sounds dangerous to me."
"Is the camel plugged in?"
"POO Analysis" (actual title of email)
"Donkey Cart IED: 1x donkey KIA"
"They're gonna be here in 10 minutes! Get the schwarma!"
"shit-tastic" (adjective)
"These are my tactical Uggs."
"Hello, sex hair!"

Just typing them makes me smile as I remember the great times.

And because I'm limited as to what I can say about my work travels, I have to focus on the personal aspects of my trip. I think the best way to do this is to make a list of things I learned while I was gone, or once I returned:

I learned that I am competent at my work and I know what I'm doing, despite my boss at home's constant belittling.

I learned that I can tap into my grace, confidence, esteem, and kindness whenever I want, and nobody can take that ability away from me.

I learned that I should not discount the affections of younger men. While I am at an age where I am increasingly exposed to guys younger than me, I am not yet so old that it's wrong to give them a chance. They try harder and they can be temptingly adorable. After all, you're only as old as the person you feel!

I learned that not only does my ex NOT walk on water, but he is truly insensitive and has no class. I learned that not only has he been dating one of my coworkers (we're talking someone who works within 15 feet of my desk), but now they are engaged. Neither of them found it necessary to inform me. Nor did one of my best friends, who knew for almost a month that they were together.

I learned who my real friends are, and are not. I learned that real friends will tell you the truth no matter how bad it is or how upset it might make you, and they will support you no matter how you react. They will stand strong to hold you up, or they will get down on the floor with you where you've just collapsed, so you are not alone. They do not say "it's not my place to get involved," and they do not hold back on details.

I learned that I am too good of a catch to sit idly by while a guy figures out what he wants. I felt bad about this at first, but when he told me he understood and he knew what he was giving up, I realized that I was just doing what I had to do, like he was.

I learned that I am no closer to wanting to procure a husband and settle down than I was when I was 20.

I learned that I can still fall back in love with my job when I get out of the administrative world and get to see where the "rubber meets the road." I get re-charged and I want to serve, and serve, until world peace breaks out or until I cannot physically serve any longer.

I learned that driving on the Beltway is like riding a bike. You can go a while without doing it, and when you go back, it's scary for a minute but you somehow remember how to do it.

I returned home on my 28th birthday to a day with my friends: shopping, eating, drinking, storytelling, and laughing. It was a significant day on many fronts. I could only sit in my crowded church and offer up my gratitude that I was home, safe, happy, and oh-so-blessed.

It's the good life.

I'm baaaaack!

2008-03-05T12:11:00.003-05:00

New clothing purchases at the Limited and Esprit: $800

Bouquet of daffodils bought for me, by me: $6

Fancy salon haircut: $100

Pedicure and French manicure: $45

Feeling like a woman again after 8 weeks in a war zone:

Priceless, baby.

Priceless.

More to come soon . . .

Christmas of the Living Dead

2007-12-25T21:39:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas! I survived yet another trip through the "we hate life and are going to take you out as well" state of Maryland to return to my parents' home in western PA. We had dinner with my cousins and their 4-year-old, who plays fetch, then I went for hot warm beverages at Eat n' Park with a friend from high school who recently got married. He and his wife spent the holiday with their respective families because they didn't see them over Thanksgiving. And let me tell you, it was a little odd to hear one of the most emotionally repressed guys I've ever met saying "I love you" on the phone to the woman he refers to as "my wife." I am thrilled for them! It's just going to take a little getting used to. ;)

Sunday was church, then breakfast with a young adult for whom I used to babysit, who for some reason looks up to me. Talk about pressure! After breakfast I did a little shopping. Later in the evening my parents and I went to Wal-Mart and emerged 45 minutes later to find a total blizzard outside. Christmas Snow!!!!! There was enough to cover everything and nearly white-out the road on the way home. It was so pretty and I felt like I was five again.

Monday was kitchen time helping Mom prepare for our huge family dinner, three course meal for sixteen people. It was amazing . . . my mother's cooking is truly like nothing else. We went to midnight mass and I really enjoyed the service. Sometimes, God just hits you the right way, and you "get" it.

Today we opened presents (I got a new laptop!) and visited our family friends in Ohio to watch their 3-year-old open her presents and run around being a princess all morning. It was exhausting and I slept the whole way home. Later was dinner at my Aunt's and now I'm just pulling everything together to head back to VA.

Tomorrow is a trip to the Outlets, lunch with my best friend, then goodbyes and my drive home.

A few stats from this Christmas:

Number of people asking if I have a significant other: 4

Alcohol units consumed: 5

Cookies eaten: at least 30

DVD gifts: 3 (South Park movie, American Beauty, and High Plains Drifter)

Money spent on gear that will be reimbursed by government: $406

Txt messages from non-family wishing me a Merry Christmas: 12

Of those, txts from guys I thought I'd never hear from again: 3

. . . which is why Christmas this year could be renamed "Holiday of the Living Dead." Ignoring them for the past two months appears to have worked. I even deleted one of them from my contacts and had to check the area code in the phone book to figure out who sent the txt. So now I don't know what a proper response is. I'm laying low for now, giving it at least a day and a drive home to consider.

Overall, a very Merry Christmas and a joyous one. Here's hoping those feelings can last for a long time.

Beware of Beavers!

2007-12-15T19:58:00.000-05:00

CAUTION:
There are some real crazy beavers out there!!

See below for proof:

Haha! This little display is at Forty Deuce in Luxor, in Vegas. I found it today and found it funnier than I did when I was in its presence.

And this is how Vegas lives on in my heart.

Ode to a Troll

2007-12-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

If I ever see you again, it will be too soon. I know our paths will cross someday, and when they do, if I don't punch you in your pathetic little face, you will know exactly how much self-control I am capable of.

You have made my friend cry, and you have done so for as long as I can remember. I don't remember the times you made her happy. I don't remember why she could possibly think you are a decent human being. I also don't remember the last time I felt any positive feelings for you.

I can only hope that every time your (forked) tongue says her name, you realize that she was the best thing that ever happened to you, and you hate yourself for letting her go. For the rest of your life, you will compare every woman you meet to her, and when you decide they are somehow better, it's only because you are compromising on what you think you want.

The crisis you have put those who love her into at this moment, will not be the only one of its kind. Because after this alleged "love" fails, you will probably come snivelling back, crawling on your belly through the mud. I can only pray that she has the strength, and self-respect, to kick you squarely in the face and push you away, as you have done so many times. And then you will break her heart yet again when you find your next "I can do better." You are running. You are running from your deepest fear, yet you will inevitably fail. You will be just like Daddy, no matter how hard you try not to be.

Stay away. Stay away from all of us.

Top Ten Things I Love About My Friend Rowdy

2007-11-27T21:27:00.001-05:00

10. Guaranteed designated driver.

9. On the Border is much more special with him than with anyone else.

8. As much as I eat for a girl, he always eats more.

7. He goes to church.

6. Even after three years, he's never pressured me for ANYTHING.

5. Biceps.

4. Pecs.

3. Hilarious blog posts on MySpace that are so funny, you know no one could ever make them up.

2. Bon Jovi sing-alongs in the green Jeep for which he STILL hasn't gotten VA plates.

1. Knowing I have a friend who will always be there for me.

Field of Gray by JunkFood

2007-11-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

Because I can't get it out of my head . . . this is for Dusty.

everyday feels like a lifetime
every noise i hear is coming after me
the world keeps closing in
i know they're coming to take you away

every pill brings back the life
it sucks me closer, closer to the end
my pounding head is starving for answers
my brain won't question anything

how long before i remember
how long before you fade away

is it really crazy just to think
someday
the little things won't mean anything
another day
i belong in this field of gray
and you belong with me

lock the doors, i let no one in
i set the table for me and me and me
inside this bottle i see the light
it helps me help you go away

how long before i surrender
how long before they take me away

is it really crazy just to think
someday
the little things won't mean anything
another day
i belong in this field of gray
and you belong with me

i want, i need
i can't find right from wrong
i want, i bleed
and i can't break free

is it really crazy just to think
someday
the little things won't mean anything
another day
i belong in this field of gray
and you belong with
you belong to me

Thankful

2007-11-22T21:42:00.000-05:00

Geez, it's been a while, over a month. I've been busy, and I really mean that. I worked 60+ hours of overtime in the last month, and kept my out-of-work time filled with fun and frolic. Buffet mode rocks my world and keeps me entertained, if not out of trouble. It's good fun to just spend time with interesting guys that are so different from one another. They all have their nicknames and perks, pros and cons. It's a smorgasboard and I'm definitely enjoying the feast.

The parents came down and we had our own little Thanksgiving today with two of my friends who are also far from home. We ate like maniacs, watched football, drank wine, and smoked hookah. A truly good holiday.

Everyone should count their blessings, especially today. In that spirit, I am posting a list of things for which I'm thankful . . .

My freedom, and my life and work in this wonderful country.
My family, who taught me what love means and remind me every day.
My friends, who support me no matter what dumb thing I've just done.
My health, which is a true blessing for which to serve my purpose on the Earth.
My faith, which pulled me out of many a fall, and continues to move me.

These priceless things are all that really matter. The rest is just paychecks and needless worry. I am fortunate enough to have everything I need . . . and I really want to stop whining so much, because I have no reason to.

At the end of the day, my hope keeps me an optimist. The good in me will always prevail.

Ma Vida Loca

2007-10-08T20:59:00.000-04:00

It's been just over 2 weeks since my last report. The most significant event in this time was my first trip to Las Vegas, a girls weekend with 4 of my friends. And I must say, I loved that town and I can't wait till I get to go back! We stayed at the MGM Grand and THEhotel at Mandalay Bay. My favorite thing was walking the Strip, drink in hand . . . that open container thing was really fun! Honorable mentions are the restaurants we chose (Diabolo's, Trevi, to name a pair), lounging at beautiful pools in beautiful sunlight, dancing till the wee hours of the morning at fun clubs, and taking a "Stripper 101" class. It was like a great girls night that lasted for 4 days. We looked gorgeous and we had a ball. The pictures that can be shared have been shared with my inner circle, but here are a few scenic shots in my constant efforts to protect the innocent:

Bellagio Fountains
View from MGM Grand pool
THEtp at THEhotel
THEhotel
View from Mix

Prior to our departure, and influenced by my Vegas research, I finally put a name to my latest mentality regarding my relations to the opposite sex:

I am in "buffet" mode.

This means that I am acknowledging there are many, many tasty foods out there and they are all different. They are all there for the sampling. I am going to fill my plate with whatever I want, a taste of this and a sample of that, going back for more as much as I want. I want to try some new things and not commit to one main entree. When I get my fill of the variety, or when I find one food that knocks my socks off, I'll order something special off the menu.

In this spirit, and within the past two weeks, I have spent worthwhile, quality time with no less than 5 fine gentlemen. And I am in talks with a 6th to finally go out but our schedules are a bit divergent. Anyway. For each of them, the company is wonderful, fun, flirty, and comfortable. Maybe I have finally, finally shed whatever shell I seem to wear that attracts simple-minded, boorish assholes who don't know how to treat a fabulous little catch like myself. It feels really good to do my own thing and just enjoy being around these guys on my terms. No pressure. No drama. Just good companionship and fun times.

Highlights have included:

Beers at the seediest local bar within 5 miles, catching up on our latest dirty little secrets
Dinner at a Russian restaurant, pointedly talking about everything but work
Birds-eye view of the street in Adams Morgan and laughing with each other as we watched a bachelorette party enter a bar accompanied by a 4-foot-high inflated penis
Popping a Team America: World Police "cherry"
Coffee at a museum, watching his face react to my story about Stripper 101
and a tipsy smoke on my porch discussing global politics.

Lots of variety. Just like a buffet should be.

I remember a line from the musical Mame: "Life is a smorgasbord and most poor suckers are starving to death. LIVE!!!"

I'm living. To the limit. And I love it.

Words to Live By

2007-09-23T21:01:00.000-04:00

I am in my late 20s but never had much stomach for the girl magazines. Cosmo, Elle, Marie Claire, etc. have been present in my life primarily to keep me from having panic attacks on airplanes. As I've said before, I am a low-maintenance girl. When it comes to such magazines, I know I can't afford the clothes in them, I know I won't spend hours of my life on eye makeup, and I know much better resources for sex advice. So they don't do much for me.

I do not, however, know the meaning of life or what it's like to be a grown-up. Therefore, I did something to assist me in that knowledge . . . I got a subscription to Oprah magazine.

Don't knock it till you've read it. It's great.

I found the below quote in this month's issue:

"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs, and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool." ~ Theodore I. Rubin, MD

Now that is brilliant.

Number One with a Bullet

2007-09-20T22:09:00.000-04:00

My whole upper body hurts. I have a wound on my chest and a bruise on my waist. My arms and neck have red marks spattered over them. My right cheek aches when I touch it and my hand is scraped up.

But you should see what I did to him . . .

Hahaha!!! Just kidding.

Never mind what I'd like to do to a few men I know . . .

I am truly blessed in my work in that every once in a while, I get to go to the firing range to play. Sure, it takes a lot of concentration, focus, and even a little pain, but damn! is it fun. Being out in the fresh air, burning up ammo, and blowing targets to bits (and getting paid for it!) is really as good as it gets. You get beat up (the slight injuries above are the result of hot brass, holster wear, and 13 rounds from a shotgun), but it's so worth it for the sheer release, and how utterly spent you feel afterwards.

Kind of like other activities . . . ;)

Going back into the office today was a complete buzzkill after playing Annie Oakley for 3 days. Some crappy stuff happened and I ended up needing a really good run when I got home. So I literally pounded the pavement, pretty much tearing apart what was left of my body. I won't lie - there is a lot of internal pain and turmoil going on right now, and the only way to subdue it is through physical pain . . . it's funny how exercise and the phenomenon known as "cutting" serve the same purpose, yet exercise is much more socially acceptable. How many exercise nuts are really just crazy people torturing their bodies so they don't have to deal with the torturing of their souls?

Wow, was that deep.

I desperately need the sleep I am not getting right now. Tomorrow will be a loooong day. Here's hoping my weekend lives up to the hype . . . and that this funk I'm in passes . . . and that my smartass ways don't get me into trouble!

The World is Still Turning

2007-09-09T21:38:00.000-04:00

Since my last post (12 days ago - seems like forever), I have hosted the parents for a weekend, battled a cold, been flatly stood up, counseled a friend about what could be the end of her engagement, taken a boat ride around DC, danced till my feet could hardly function, hosted a baby shower, and planned for the Vegas trip. And I thought I'd be bored to tears with no overtime at work last week.

I think my pregnant friend has the right idea - she is unexpectedly expecting but the baby's father is totally out of the picture. This may sound like a bad idea to some . . . but I think it might be the ideal situation: taking a big life step forward but no man around to somehow screw it up. Because I'm beginning to think that men are good for nothing except procreation and disappointment.

That being said, I am not a quitter and I don't believe in going down without a fight. As I've written here before, I find no shame in something not working out when I've fought like hell and given it my best shot. But I must be frank - the latest "prospect" has me at wits' end and I am ready to be done with him, good or bad. I am not a high-maintenance girl (and yes, that has been affirmed by ex-whatevers past so I believe it is true). I pride myself on not being needy and enjoying the fabulous "my own thing" I've got going. Relationships aren't the special feature in the cinema of my life. They are the candy or popcorn: completely unnecessary, but hey, it makes the show a little more enjoyable.

But when a guy goes out of his way to tell you he's interested in you, and you reciprocate, then he can't back that statement up with any action whatsoever, you begin to wonder WTF is up. And that's where I am right now. I don't need constant phone calls, showering with presents, or anything that might cramp my style. But I do need something. A little sign, a few words, something to show me that my interest in him is not a waste of my time.

Or at least a little honesty, difficult as it is, that he is no longer interested.

I'm just confused. I am still interested, I want to know whether or not he still is, and if he still is, can we alter our "thing" so that I don't feel like I'm bothering him when I reach out. Is that really so hard???

That's all I've got on that topic.

On another . . . it's been a year since the only real love I've had in the last 4 years crushed my heart prior to moving overseas. Since then we have exchanged sterile conversation about 10 times, with the mention of anything significant at a whopping twice. Sometimes I think he will end up as my "one that got away." Time will tell, I guess. In the meantime, the sun still rises everyday and I carry on, even though I think of him more often than I'll ever admit. And I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I learned a lot from the death (murder? agonizingly slow dismemberment?) of that relationship, and while I fiercely want to believe I've changed for the better, I wonder if he believes the same or just resents me for being young and afraid.

Comfort with the unknown is a luxury of the apathetic. Not exactly my style. But since the world hasn't ended yet, I have to believe that the answers are out there somewhere, and it's just a matter of time and patience until I finally find them.

Shocking, isn't it. I always thought I was a pessimist.

The Thinker

2007-08-28T21:07:00.001-04:00

I'm sure you all are dying to know the details about my weekend in Philly. Well, all I will say here is that it was good. Any more information than that will cost you lunch and 2 martinis. Here are some photos:

Tut on the steps outside the Franklin Institute.

The Thinker by Rodin

I'm going to stray a bit and vent rather than try to analyze or entertain . . . these are the bad things I'm thinking about tonight:

1) It sucks to work lots of overtime only to need the money for immediate, necessary car repairs (work with me, people, it was a broken AC in NoVA in August!!).

2) It sucks when the friend for whom you drove out of your way, on your only night off, to pick up from the airport, says it's out of her way to drive you to work (half the distance to the airport!) one time when you don't have your car.

3) It sucks to watch Chapelle's Show alone and remember the last time you watched it was with someone really special. And you laughed. And he laughed. And you miss his laugh because you haven't heard it in so long.

I may sound down, but I'm not. I'm accepting, I'm forgiving, and I'm patient. Here are the good things I'm thinking about tonight:

1) Today is my best friend's birthday, and I celebrated it in my head all day because his presence in my life is such a gift to me.

2) Prospective lunch with a fine gentleman prospect.

3) Mom & Dad are coming to visit in a few days.

What I've been up to lately:

1) Work.

2) The Magic Flute opera at Wolf Trap.

3) Bodies exhibit.

4) Weird Al concert!

And there it is. Your little voyeristic fetish satisfied by a fleeting glimpse into my wacky-ass world. Is it really so crazy?

Risk

2007-08-09T22:20:00.000-04:00

This weekend, a Pittsburgh girl will venture somewhere a little risky . . .

Philadelphia.

Growing up in western Pennsylvania, only minutes from Ohio (the midwest!), you kind of see anything east of State College as a foreign country. They talk differently, seem awfully scary-tough, and have never heard of a perogie. I think it's possible that Pennsylvania is really two states: Close to Pittsburgh and Close to Philadelphia. And there is plenty of buffer. The last time I was near Philadelphia as a destination, we had driven for 7 hours and never left ol' PA. It goes on forever.

A fond memory of that trip: we got lost between the church and reception, and ended up in Delaware, and were thrilled to finally cross a state border. Unfortunately it was scary-as-hell-Delaware, and we were just as thrilled to figure out how to turn around and get the hell back into PA, despite our dread of the "east side."

But I digress . . .

What, you ask, could lure a "western" girl like myself to this foreign land of the "east side?" It started innocently enough: the exhibit of articles from King Tut's tomb, on tour from its permanent spot in Egypt. Philadelphia is the closest it will get to me after stops all over the world. I love ancient Egypt, so I couldn't pass that opportunity up. The exhibit opened last fall and I've kept a post-it of the info in my day planner since about January. It closes in September so I knew the time was near.

Then early this summer, I learned that a dear, awesome friend from grad school and her equally awesome husband had a little girl, born on my mother's birthday. And the pieces started falling into place . . .

But the final push was my chance meeting of a man who, after one group dinner, stayed in my thoughts for days, to my surprise. To much more of my surprise, he was interested in me. And he has a place in Philadelphia.

We had a typical (yet surreal) first date: out on a work night, outdoor Italian with a bottle of red, ice cream parlor after, then Goodfellas back at his place. That night, when he drove me home, we knew we had to say goodbye for a while: life, plans, obligations, vacations. That was 6 weeks ago.

And here I am packing for Philadelphia. I don't know what I'm in for. It's a risk . . . but I have to try.

The last time a guy broke my heart (4 months ago), I briefly considered shutting everything down, giving up, never letting anyone in again and never caring about being alone. But then I realized that that state is true misery. That's the state he was in, and likely still is. I would rather put myself out there, at risk of being hurt, and really give another person everything I've got. Because there is nothing that makes me feel more alive than knowing I'm doing something to the extent of my soul's allowance. It's powerful, it's invigorating, it's a high that can't be found anywhere else. It's worth the risk. Life is meant to be felt, pushed, and lived . . . not locked away playing Wii with every wall up and every door locked and every crack sealed to keep out the light of real love, real caring, real feeling.

As I said before, I have no idea what I'm in for. But I refuse to live afraid. I will not fear feelings, I will not fear love, and I will not fear being hurt.

And will certainly not fear Philadelphia. We Pittsburghers are tougher than that!

Control

2007-08-02T21:56:00.000-04:00

One thing I will never, ever understand is why almost every person in the world will approach an already-pressed, already-lighted elevator button . . . and press it again, often repeatedly. It doesn't matter if it's the up/down panel outside the doors, or the select-your-floor panel inside. A stunningly high number of people take that extra step when someone else has already completed the task.

Why? Why, why, WHY???

When you think of it, it's kind of insulting to the initial button-presser, who is usually present. The second person to press the button is expressing to the initial button-presser that:

1. The elevator is not going to listen to Initial.
2. Initial somehow did not press the button well enough.
3. Second can press the button better than Initial.

Or maybe Second has a total inferiority complex, an exhausting paranoia of being ignored, and needs to feel important in any way he can . . . in other words, he presses the button again to assert control. As so many people do in so many ways: press the button to assert control.

Control is really an amazing concept. We fight for it every day, during every interaction. Example: your boss asserts control over you by assigning you a task. You, in turn, ask your boss for clarification, so you can assert control over the task itself by enhancing your understanding of the task, which in theory contributes to your confidence in completing it.

Control drives us. The human spirit is competitive, often self-serving, and always striving for more . . . and what is behind all these traits? A desire for power, domination, control. We live in an ever-rebalancing equilibrium between feeling like masters of our universes and feeling like peons. The old moth-windshield analogy, if you will. Obviously, we feel our best when we are the windshield, and I don't mean that in a pejorative way. We feel good when we get it right. When we get it right, we are in control. And if being in control, getting it right, feels good and makes you happy, then you should be able to enjoy it.

Of course, some people take it too far. They ruin it for everyone. So sometimes the Universe (God, if you will) has to knock you down a peg to remind you that you are a guest in this world, subject to its moods and fluctuations, and even if you are CEO, boss, head of household, or even in control of just one other person (partner or child) . . . you can still die behind the wheel of your car on an ordinary day. You can build dams, tall buildings, even supersafe bridges . . . and one earthquake, 19 fanatic terrorists, or the wrong combination of physics can destroy what you created in an attempt to control and dominate the Earth you live on.

The best things in life are the things we cannot control: beautiful sunsets, lightning bugs in the woods, mountains and trees and the ocean. And the endless amusement that humans provide. We are quirky, often downright funny, and our little nuances are truly a gift.

So if I cannot control my laughter the next time a Second starts frantically pressing a button that was already competently activated by an Initial, I will thank God for that quirkiness. And the Second will watch me laughing and either:

A. Smile and wonder at my own quirkiness, or
B. Realize what I'm laughing at and laugh at himself, or
C. Become enraged at his lack of control over both the elevator and my response to him and press the button again.

Because he cannot help it.

Introduction

2007-07-31T19:36:00.000-04:00

Well hello there.

This has been a long time coming.

I guess my main reason for starting this blog is that I used to write all the time, and for a long time now I haven't been doing so. And I miss it. So hopefully this can help me get my "voice" back.

I'm not saying that what I wrote, write, or will write is good. But sometimes there are things you simply have to try, regardless of the result.

The title of this blog is "What doesn't kill you . . . " I have heard a few completions of this phrase to include:

" . . . will probably hurt like hell."

" . . . wasn't trained by the US Marine Corps."

" . . . will make you wish it had."

My personal favorite is the original Nietzsche: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." These are the words I had inked into my flesh (in Latin: Quod me non occidit, me firmat) six years ago. I got my tattoo as a reminder that no matter what I face in my life, it is all for the purpose of molding me into a better, stronger person. I have faith in that: that God gives me trials to refine myself, grow better, develop, and craft myself into a beautiful instrument through which to do whatever work He has designated as mine in this world.

Sometimes, that idea is the only thing that keeps me going. I am currently recovering from a difficult year (and a half) during which I had numerous disappointments and heartaches. But it developed in me the strongest sense of self I've ever had. That is what problems do . . . break you down to the point that you have to strengthen yourself enough to get up and keep going, and it's when you pass through the storm that you feel that strength. In that strength is your mind, soul, spirit . . . your very essence.

So. That is my introduction. I guess we'll see where these writings take me, and you, dear reader, whoever you are.